I'm Thinking To Run 4 Mayor Of Allentown

I have been considering making a run for the position of mayor in the City of Allentown.


Before I make a formal announcement or put up my official website, let me run a few ideas past my readers.

After all I do want to pretend demonstrate how much I value your input before finalizing any of my plans.





Here goes:
*** Current plans do not include paving all pathways and trails. I intend to pave all paths and use them for railbeds.

Here's why.. I intend to bring back the trolleys. Of course I will call them "light rail service cars". I'd prefer trolleys, but to get the free funding from the state and federal government you have to go with the latest jargon, eh?

Next, since these trolleys light rail service cars have really no place to go, I will introduce Phase II.

Currently we have a nationally recognized Indian tribe known as the "Lenni Lenape".

I do realize few (if any descendants) live here anymore. After I'm elected I plan to send those descendants that are scattered through the United States a copy of my Phase II program inviting them to return.

What exactly is Phase II?
Well as I stated earlier I have trolleys with no place to go. For that I need to create destinations.

So starting along Fish Hatchery Road I plan on developing a gigantic Indian Casino as a trolley stop. People will be able to take the trolley from almost any nearby park to visit this cash cow entertainment venue. Perhaps I shall I call it "Lenape's Emeril Sands".

Additional stops will include the Lehigh Parkway.

Up till now we've only had the "Lights In The Parkway". I plan on adding..
-"Easter In The Parkway" (Playboy bikini bunny judging contest),

-"FatherDayfest" (where dad's try to guess which kid's theirs for a case of beer),

-"Liquorfest" (Independence day),

-"Thanksgivingfest B.Y.O.G." (where you can shoot your own turkey) .

-"April Foolsfest". On that day I will double the entrance fees and transportation fares and when you get there.. nothing's happening! I will have live video feeds from the city's website where for $5 viewers can twitter and poke fun of all the saps who show up. Course I can only do this one time, but it should be a hoot!

Additional trolley stops will include:
Various city park "Fight Club" sites. Where each weekday after school at 3:30 PM kids can enjoy their favorite after school activity in a controlled environment.

A baseball field in one of the designated parks where kids can ride their ATV's, illegal motorized motorcycles and electric scooters.

While I have a few other plans, those should give you some idea of what Phase II consists of.

*** Since revenue is tight I can see where we will have extra office space down at City Hall. To raise revenue I would make low income rentals available within city hall. I consider the location extremely strategic considering we are right next to LC Courthouse, above the Police and right down the street from the whoskow.

I consider this extremely cost effective in-so-much as the city would not be required to provide police with bikes, cars, fuel, etc.

*** I would take another direction for Hamilton Street's future. Instead of restaurants and bars, as mayor I would take empty stores and turn them each into a museum. Visitors could buy single tickets or a block of tickets and visit each former store to tour displays of what once was sold there.

I would employ seniors who once were employed in each as tour guides. These guides would have to be bilingual. They would have to be able to speak beyond their native tongue of Pa. Dutch and be fluent in English. SORRY

Current bars and restaurants would be replaced by food and liquor vendor carts on sidewalks.

*** I would turn Hamilton Street into a two way single lane. Not so much as this would work, but it's great entertainment for the visitors to these museums. Nothing like road rage for a belly chuckle.

*** As mayor I would open a sound shop in the lobby of city hall. Here motorists could by all their CD's and 1,000 watt automotive sound systems. Ought to be able to push a couple hundred of these units a year. Hey at $1,000 a pop...

*** I would have the city's traffic department issue free "double parking" passes. Yeah we wouldn't make any money but at least we could publish the names of the jerks who do it on our city's website. Then allow for anonymous posters to comment with veiled threats which should scare the be'jeezus out of em'. Hey you never know, right?

*** As Mayor I'd issue hugely overpriced get out jail free cards for 1st time offenders. This only if they promise to leave town and sign a waiver never to set foot in Allentown again under threat of triple the punishment.

*** Property Taxes (SUCKER BETS): I'd issue scratch off tickets. For $200 a ticket take a chance on zero property taxes next year. For $250 a ticket- double or nothing.

*** My final idea.. "Blast The Mayor". For 25 bucks you get to verbally trash the mayor for 5 minutes at a city council meeting of your choosing.

I simply cannot fathom with all the people hungering for a poke at the mayor why this was not thought of before. For an additional $75 you get to throw colored water balloons at the mayor and have you picture taken. The money would be used to pay the mayor's salary. So the worse I do, the more money I make.