Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Latest News From Allentown

Satire



Allentown announced it is looking into building a 20,000 seat football stadium. An official said, "Because the arena has become a smashing success before it's even finished, I feel a football stadium would be a perfect addition to add to our already existing sports complexes."

There are two possible locations being considered. One would be inside 'Trexler Memorial Park' because of it's easy access to Routes 222 and 22. The other possible location site might be downtown. According to a spokesperson who is not authorized to speak and wished to remain anonymous, the study is looking into what businesses still remain in the ten hundred block on Hamilton Street as a possible location.

Although the proposed stadium has no football team, it is hoped with the addition of a five level parking deck, a museum and five more restaurants it could potentially be a money maker. Three restaurants already expressed an interest. "The Rusty Grill", "Sam & Ella's" and "Lolita's All Night BYOB (Bring Your Own Broad) Bar & Grill".

As for the museum, it would feature displays of historical and current firearms once used throughout the city.

The upper two top floors of the parking deck would be reserved exclusively to accommodate overnight lodging for out of town guests whether they attend a game or not. Officials also hope this will help relieve the strain on current facilities for the homeless. Heat will be provided by the food exhaust fans from the restaurants below. Another unnamed official said, "There's nothing that could make a person feel more at home then the satisfying aroma of food on the stove. I hope this would serve as a reminder to these people that we haven't forgotten them."

One attraction rejected involved a interactive primate building for visiting tourists. It was suggested that the monkeys would be taught to pick the pockets from visitors while they roamed freely. An objection was raised by the parking authority on the grounds it would be a duplication of services they already provide the city.

Other Local Headlines In The News
     * Lehigh County Water Authority announced it's looking into leasing out it's water agreement with Allentown.

     * Allentown's looking into logging the Lehigh Parkway

     * 80,000 are expected to vote in Allentown's next election
     Republicans are expecting an upset victory

     * Council is considering a measure to require all of Allentown's automobile drivers to be licensed

     * Neuweiler Brewery could become a haunted house attraction this October

     * Allentown seeks to add 300 more rental conversions in 2014

     * Bon Ton announced Hess's may be coming back to downtown Allentown
     Pending NIZ approvals

     * New noise ordinance approved after residents complain
     Currently this affects only one building located 435 Hamilton Street

     * 4 out of 5 city homeowners content living in Allentown
     Latest census indicates only 5 people own the residence they live in

     * Mayor announces measure to eliminate city council
     City council expected to approve the mayor's proposal with one member dissenting

     * Developer announces purchase of the entire city of Allentown and city hall
     State financing expected to approve proposal

     * Allentown School District has huge surplus budget
     In related news, Pa. announces drug testing to begin in Allentown School District

     * Allentown expected to resume train service
     Trains will depart from LVIA for Newark International

     * Long time residents no longer wanted or needed by city officials
     Spokesmen say, old and grey?
     Go away!


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