Court Reporters Transcripts (Humor)

If ya want a coupla' laughs check out 'Bored Panda.com'. Here's one of the latest I came across and enjoyed.

Hilarious Things That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

LAWYER: What happened then?

WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
 

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 

LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?

WITNESS: Not yet.
 

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?

WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


A couple of more funny items I came across on 'Bored Panda'...