Sunday, July 31, 2016

A Few Politically Incorrect Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.

Q: What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos?
A: The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe

Q: How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A gentleman who had become disgusted with his wifes radical mood swings decided to buy her a piece of "menopause jewelry". He purchased a mood ring for her. When the stone was green her mood was very good. When her mood was bad, it left a large red whelp on his forehead.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind that you should know five things: First - The bartender is a blonde girl. Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter, and Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
- - -

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, “Not again.”

A guy is standing at the bar, drinking a beer. A little Asian guy comes in and starts drinking a beer beside him. The guy looks down and asks, "Do you know any of that Oriental Kung-fu, karate, or Ju-jitsu stuff?" The little Asian guy is ticked off being stereotyped, and says "No. Why you ask me that? You ask because I Chinese." The guy says "No, I'm asking because you're drinking my beer, you little Pr--k."

A guy rushes in to a bar and orders 20 shots of the cheapest whiskey. He proceeds to start downing them, when the bartender asks if he is upset about something. The guy says " No, I'm fine. As a matter of fact. I'm celebrating my first BJ." The bartender says "That's great. Here, let me buy you one more!" The guy says " No thanks, if 20 won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

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