Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Male Or Female? (HUMOR)

     1. To apply human characteristics to inanimate things.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. For example..

They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire underneath them.

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water.

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

Proper Male/Female word usage..

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. Male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

Male/Female Word Definitions..Female Definitions:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Male Definitions:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'll take you to a nice restaurant and then I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Words That Can Really Screw Up A Marriage:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust!"

Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

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