Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Male Or Female? (HUMOR)



Personification
     1. To apply human characteristics to inanimate things.


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. For example..



FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire underneath them.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

KIDNEYS:
Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOES:
Male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.



Proper Male/Female word usage..

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. Male...Anything that can be done while drinking.



Male/Female Word Definitions..Female Definitions:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.


Male Definitions:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'll take you to a nice restaurant and then I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


Words That Can Really Screw Up A Marriage:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust!"

Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."



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